I spent 18 hours watching the Oscar pictures so you don't have to
Here's what's actually worth your time (and wasn't worth mine).
Floor Time
/flôr tīm/
noun
the 15-60 minute time period spent laying on the floor in the middle of the work day, typically as a relief from the soul-sucking reality of corporate America.
I’m sure many of you already know—I. love. awards. season. Mainly because I am just a pop culture junkie, and film and television have been a huge part of my life since I was a kid. About six years ago, I made it my goal to watch all the Best Picture nominees each year before the Oscar’s, so I could draw my own opinion about who should win.
Every year, I have missed a film on the nominees list. There’s always at least one that I either can’t get access to, don’t watch in time, or am simply not interested in. However, this year, I have devoted myself to getting all these watched and reviewed before this year’s ceremony so I can share with you Floor Timers what I think is actually worth your time (spoiler: not much). And before we go any further I have to come clean: I simply did not have the 3 hours 12 minutes required to watch “Avatar: Way of Water” before sending out this Floor Time, but know that I have plans to watch it next week before the ceremony—and I will circle back with my review for it. Aside from that, please enjoy all other reviews below, and do tell me if you viscerally disagree with any of them—talking films is my actual favorite pastime, so.
The tl;dr: “Everything Everywhere All At Once,” “The Banshees of Inisherin,” and “Women Talking,” are the only ones worth your time.
EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE
The only movie this season that truly deserves Best Picture. I am sticking to my guns on that one. My friends Lauren and Eli had the pleasure of seeing this with me, and when I tell you I was inconsolable for a full 20 minutes post-credits…I have never sobbed like this in a film. On the surface, it’s an absurd multiverse action film. And at the heart of it is the most existential familial drama. This is also the only film on the list that I would ever rewatch, which I think says a lot??
THE BANSHEES OF INISHERIN
This would take my second-highest recommended spot. The film’s description is so wonderfully vague (“two lifelong friends find themselves at an impasse when one abruptly ends their relationship”). And the film itself is iconic. You’ll laugh at Colin Farrell’s cheeky humor, hold your breath as Mad-Eye Moody decides whether or not to cut off his own finger, and laugh and cry as my new fave, Barry Keoghan, tries to talk to a woman. This was the surprise delight of the group for me, and further reiterated how I need to visit Ireland forthwith.
WOMEN TALKING
It is indeed about women talking. Not too much action, mostly dialogue, so you’re watching this for Claire Foy and Rooney Mara. Ben Whishaw is also a welcome presence as always, but not the main attraction. The film is based on a novel loosely based on a series of real horrific events—which were interesting to read about post-watch.
TW: Violence against women, sexual assault
ELVIS
Never in a million years did I think I would say this, but the worst thing about this movie is Tom Hanks.
*wince* Am I about to be struck down by lightning?? I’ll talk fast just in case. America’s-Most-Beloved-Dad’s allegedly Dutch accent and lackluster performance gave me a thorn in my side and nothing more. Look, the movie is….fine. It’s Baz Luhrmann so it’s got those magical realist, almost circus-like visuals to it. In my opinion, the pacing was aggressive (though there’s something to be said for it mimicking Elvis’ own rocket launch to the top), and at times it was chaotic to follow the scene shifts. And then there’s Austin Butler. Is this his magnum opus? I mean, no. That would be his role in “Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure.” But he gave it the old college try. Given that I’ve heard his new voice in many interviews this awards season already, I wasn’t as impressed during the film itself (and the voice may be the only appeal to watching this).
THE FABELMANS
It was a good movie. It very much fills the Oscar nom bingo card in that it’s the type of movie Hollywood loves. Because one thing about Hollywood is, they love Hollywood. While almost all of it is predictable, at the end of the day, it’s a deeply personal tale for Spielberg (essentially an autobiographical film). Like all Oscar movies, this one is long as hell but just interesting enough to not turn off. I have to say, the best part about the film is the ending scene—which apparently is 100% taken verbatim from Spielberg’s real-life experience.
TÁR
Sort of a surprise that I enjoyed it. Would I ever watch it again? No. But I liked watching Cate Blanchett play a snobby bitch and listening to beloved pieces of classical music. This was another film that was about 50 minutes too long, but the looming ominous cloud over the vibe of the whole film kept me engaged enough. Blanchett, Cate, you’re a genius!
TW: Topics around sexual assault
TRIANGLE OF SADNESS
Yeah…don’t watch this on a full stomach. Or if you’re in any way a chronically queasy person. The parts around the excessive vom****** were so cringe but actually so funny. This film is just another eat-the-rich movie that begs the question, “how many more of these do we really need?”
ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT
I feel like the Academy throws in a war movie every year (also on the official Bingo card). The shots were stunning and the score was out of this world, and that’s about it. I honestly have very little to say about it—if you’re into war movies, awesome. But otherwise, you can probably skip. Oh also! It’s entirely in German. So if subtitles aren’t your game, this isn’t for you.
TOP GUN: MAVERICK
This film in this category is very much giving, “Ariana, what are you doing here?” but I guess the Academy always has to throw in something for the lads, eh? It’s a love letter to the original while bringing in a modern-day audience (via Miles Teller—that’s the tweet). Watch it, I guess? But it’s not winning this award.
Fun side anecdote: A couple weekends ago I went to a bar and met a dude named “Val.” He was from Bulgaria. This was our very irritating exchange:
Val: Yeah my name is Val, like Val Kilmer.
Me: Yup I got it, Val.
Val: You know who Val Kilmer is?
Me: Yes, I do.
Val: Like from Top Gun.
Me: Val, I f**king know who Iceman is!
All this to say, I can be mean in a bar—but c’mon, Val!
Something Pretty
In the same way that I have literally no credentials as a movie critic, I also have none as a baker. And yet, I baked and decorated this cake for my bestie Eli’s 30th birthday. It was…funnier in my head.
Something To Laugh About
The best part of “The Last Of Us” (besides the content itself) is how much love daddy Pedro is getting on the web, like this.
This is literally me every time I try to plan an outfit. Come out looking like a goblin.
Anyone else’s fyp just Harry Potter dance party content? Like this.
You got one week before the Oscar’s! Let me know what you end up seeing and what you love/hate/love to hate.
Til’ next time, cinephiles. Your friend,
Clarice
By the way…I’m reading this.
I started Armada by Ernest Cline, also the author of one of my favorite books of all time, Ready Player One. Armada was published post-RPO, and similarly is about a video game-loving teen. I’m not far enough into it to know if it’ll eclipse RPO as my favorite (though that would be an incredibly tall order), but something about Ernest Cline’s writing style always makes me feel at ease and interested. Excited to see what comes next.