Floor Time
/flôr tīm/
noun
the 15-60 minute time period spent laying on the floor in the middle of the work day, typically as a relief from the soul-sucking reality of corporate America.
Lately, my TikTok fyp has been riddled with “if he wanted to, he would” videos. Have ya’ll seen these? They are basically videos of SO’s going above and beyond to give gifts, conduct lovely acts of service, etc. It feels extremely performative in a way that genuine respect, care, and affection should not be.
And every time I see these videos l get the ick.
*from offstage* But, Clarice, why do you hate sweetness?? Listen, for a while, I just scrolled past these videos and didn’t think too deeply about why they made me squirm. But then this week, my friend Viv brought this up on her recent podcast episode (clip here) and I thought, it’s not just me getting fed this mediocre relationship advice. So now, I’m thinking more deeply about it. And you get to ride that train of thought with me :) I’m eager to hear if you agree or disagree!
The relationship advice mainly applies to people entering new romantic scenarios (targeted mostly at women in heterosexual relationships). I interpret it pretty much as a shorthand way to tell women, “don’t settle for male BS!!” Which like, fair. Absolutely. Don’t! But my issue with this shorthand is that it is such a tragic simplification of what might be the most complex human thing of all: interpersonal relationships. It doesn’t take into account the different love languages, attachment styles, mental health, and other nuances that factor into relationships. You might ask, why does it need to take all those nuances into account? It’s a punchy slogan designed for 7-second video clips on the clock app. And sure, you’d have a point.
That said, I’ve heard the slogan enough to think about it more critically. I personally find love languages and attachment theory to be fascinating. So much so that I can tell you the love language of every one of my close friends because at some point, I’ve asked them. It is how I learned how I can best show up for them. And it helps me recognize when they’re showing up for me. As a quick example, gift giving is not my main love language. But it IS my sister’s. And for the longest time, I did not recognize what receiving gifts from her meant (aside from what it is at face value). Now, in having the context of her language preference, I understand that the gesture is couched in so much love.
The other piece of it is this: simply existing and being a functioning human for yourself can feel like a weighty task. Some days, it may even feel impossible. There are days when I’ve needed to accept that I can barely be here for myself. Things get so hectic that I forget to eat or wash my hair or do my laundry. On those days, do I want to be present in my relationships? Of course! But can I? Feels like no. So I’m not. And I think that’s ok. I don’t believe my loved ones will write me off with a punchy slogan just because I have one day of “I want to, but I won’t.”
Something to Explore
I did a cursory search to see if others have felt similarly about this phrase. Turns out, yes! This woman hits the nail on the head. I particularly love this excerpt—justice for Jane!!!
But I’m sorry—some of you have never dated an introvert before, and it shows! Some of you have never romanced a person with a beautiful heart and a debilitating anxiety disorder. If you live by this adage, you will never connect with anyone who is an overthinker, or a little bit socially awkward, or has a little bit too much humility. You may miss out on the rich and rewarding experience of being with someone who is neurotic! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but men with low self-esteem are people too.
Where would any character from TV, movies, or literature be if they believed in “If he wanted to, he would?” Harry and Sally wouldn’t even be Facebook friends. Oliver and Elio would never have progressed past each other’s fantasies. The whole premise of Pride and Prejudice is, “If he wanted to, he wouldn’t because his sisters and best friend are psychos.” Jane Austen didn’t write, “If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark,” just for some vile clout chaser to seduce you with the self-hating doctrine of “If he wanted to, he would.”
Something Pretty
I got this photo from the Accidentally Wes Anderson email list. Sadly, I have come to terms with the fact that we will not be seeing snow this New York winter (RIP joy) so I will be living vicariously through stuh-nin’ winter wonderland photos like this one.
Something To Laugh About
Nothing I adore more than a fellow photosynthesizer like this.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever wanted a tame drink but they didn’t have it so instead you pivot to the most aggressive order ever. No? Just me and this girl?
Why is this so accurate.
At this point, I can’t tell who is winning the war because there’s the Internet but then there’s THIS.
That’s it for me this week! I’m very curious to hear if this particular topic resonated with you, so please always feel free to comment on this post or email me your thoughts. And I’ll just leave you with this: I hope you do everything you want to do, and nothing you don’t want to do—’tis that simple.
Til’ next time, lovers. Your friend,
Clarice
By the way…I’m reading this.
Every few books I read, I throw in a quick YA palette cleanser, and this week I read Audrey, WAIT! which I pulled off my roommate, Lizzie’s, bookshelf and she immediately cried, “Audrey, WAIT! is a WORK OF ART.” The cover is so 2008.