Floor Time
/flôr tīm/
noun
the 15-60 minute time period spent laying on the floor in the middle of the work day, typically as a relief from the soul-sucking reality of corporate America.
Over the past week, I have had a rare (because I don’t eat a lot of meat) craving for the thiccest, juiciest burger I could possibly find. Upon realizing this, I posed the question to my resident burger-eating friend, Eli, to recommend where I could get a no-frills, quality burger, preferably paired with the filthiest gin martini out there. We ended up going to Emmett’s On Grove for an impromptu birthday dinner where I delighted in just that. But I couldn’t help but wonder…what other burger knowledge was Eli sitting on?
Lucky for you, I have taken this man hostage (ignore his distant cries) and forced this knowledge out of his little head. Before I pass the mic over, please acknowledge this legal disclaimer that I am not responsible for anything that comes out of Eli’s mouth hole, nor for any emotional trauma he may cause through forcing your Google searches. Well, enjoy! Don’t sue me!
Heyyy. What the FREAK is up, ya’ll! I’m Eli and I have a burger addiction. And judging by this long list, probably also high cholesterol. I’ve gathered a list of my favorite burger spots in New York based on the holy grail of fast food spots (east vs. west coast rawr xD), Shake Shack vs. In-N-Out. I compiled them into the list, and no, there will be no further explanation, you can just go check them out yourself and see why I SAID WHAT I SAID. Also, all of these are facts, not opinions.1
We’ll start with rankings of our two lodestars:
Ahhh, Le In-N-Out Burger *in French Spongebob narrator accent*
Bun: 9 / 10
I feel like these are made in the same factory that Hawaiian Rolls are made in, which really just makes these buns so
breedablebeautiful :’).
Produce: 10 / 10
Grade A all naturale organíque produce that really helps the burger ~shine~.
Meat: 6 / 10
You know, she’s not the BEST, and if you don’t have a Double-Double or more, you might not even know she’s there. She’s as skinny as Bella Hadid tbh. But OH HOH, she’s THERE (in a Double-Double), and she’s slaying.
Cheese: 8 / 10
Listen. I like my cheeseburger cheese to taste as factory-made and “orange”2 as possible, so I really do be lovin’ this cheese. It reminds me of the cheese in Kraft Mac and Cheese and that makes me horny. Sue me.
Sauce: 6 / 10
Similar to its cheese, the “spread” at In-N-Out has a bit of an artificial taste to it. Is it the extremely sugary ketchup that is mixed in? Perhaps. But again, I love it. Makes me feel like a kid again. And who doesn’t love something that tastes both sweet AND savory, ya know?
Shake Shake Shake (Senora) Shack
Bun: 6 / 10
If you like your buns a bit more airy and a bit more breathable, then this is the bun for you. Not my personal vibe tbh (but also I really dislike brioche, soz!).
Produce: 5 / 10
Barely any, and it’s east coast quality produce which is meh (can you tell I’m biased). Also, why would you have avocado as an option on the east coast? The avocados here are embarrassing.
Meat: 10 / 10
Top notch, baybee she’s an icon, she’s a legend, and she IS the moment. The patty is just as skinty as an In-N-Out patty, but it seems like the chefs here actually understand what a smash burger is.
Cheese: 7 / 10
They use American Cheese, too, but it does taste a little more cheddar-y to me. A little more bistro. A little more high qual. This cheese has that je ne sais quoi.
Sauce: 8 / 10
Honestly, I hate to say it, but Shack Sauce is better and more natural tasting than In-N-Out spread. It really FEELS like a human hand (or two) made this sauce. Hmm, that sounds dirty.
New York Exclusives
We love a $5 burger, but if you’re looking to do something a bit more schmancy and/or sit-down, here are some localized options to tickle your fancy.
If you like In-N-Out, you’ll also like (favorite to least favorite):
Funny because this is Danny Meyer’s (owner of Shake Shack) restaurant
FYI this is vegan
If you like Shake Shack, you’ll also like (favorite to least favorite):
Something Pretty
The weather is finally turning and spring is finally spranging, meaning it’s tulip peony sznnn.
Something To Laugh About
Here are this week’s moments of joy:
Shoutout to my fellow peoples whose seasonal depro depends on the sun’s appearances, like this duo.
Real talk should I do this with Klaus at the Eras Tour.
I cried laughing at this. Humans are so weird and wonderful.
Thanks for reading the first Floor Time guest edit of 2023! Here’s Eli’s Instagram if you want to cyber bully him or send anonymous hate mail. Lastly, I’ll leave you with this: I think Shake Shack is overrated and In-N-Out reins supreme. West coast 5ever!!!
Til’ next time, meat-lovers. Your friend,
Clarice
By the way…I’m reading this.
Actually very little these days besides the Throne of Glass series. Will aim to do a full in-depth review once I finish devouring these books :)
These are in fact, opinions. Again—don’t sue me!!
(This is Clarice). +1 to this. Give me all the “orange” food.