does this Mountain Dew it for ya?
a look at Sabrina Carpenter's debut* album
Floor Time
/flôr tīm/
noun
the 15-60 minute time period spent laying on the floor in the middle of the work day, typically as a relief from the soul-sucking reality of corporate America.
Friends, it is with humility and earnestness that I at last address the elephant in the room. I know I’ve let some of you down and I’d like to formally apologize for my abysmal behavior. I was neglectful and aloof. It was an atrocious oversight. So here it is, delayed: Wishing a happy Short n’ Sweet release day to all who celebrate. I hope you’ll accept this apology and that we might find a way to move forward.
With that said, let’s dive in. Sabrina Carpenter’s debut1 album is actually stellar. For all intents and purposes, this is Tiny Blondie’s introduction into society. It’s her debutante ball. It is a work of art. It is skipless. The writing is tight and petty and poetic and fun.
Believe me when I say, I wanted to stay off the Carpenter train for so long. One thing I’ll always be is a hater, and I found her music gimmicky and didn’t get the hype. Then, I experienced 5 months of “Nonsense” outro videos getting shoved down my throat—and that just exacerbated my haterade. So imagine my surprise when on the eve of her Coachella performance, SC dropped “Espresso.” I couldn’t believe we went lifetimes without having “that’s that me, espresso” in our vernacular.
And there are other hits from the album for me—they are as follows:
Taste
This is an absolutely delicious opening track that rivals the creme de la creme of pop princess opening tracks (“Honeymoon Avenue, “Femininomenon” etc. come to mind). The music video brought me so much joy as a lover of camp, Jenna Ortega, and comeuppance. It is so over the top, fun, and dark in the best way. Polly Pocket2 reminds us why music videos and visuals are so vital to the genesis of a smash record.
Good Graces
This track gives me Dangerous Woman energy. I could see this track slaying at SoulCycle (not a diss but rather, praise). And I love that most of the song is just her singing “I won't give a f*ck about you”—tell me that’s not savage in the best way.
Sharpest Tool
I am a “Sharpest Tool” stan, you guys. The first time I listened to this I was biking over the Williamsburg bridge and started echoing her “mmMmmmMmMm” because it is just that delightful. The bridge of this track is elite-level writing—begging the question, what did Blondie teach her on the Eras tour, and was it just the masterclass of writing smash bridges? Separately, I await the day we find out who this song is about and if it caused him to go into hiding: “We had sex, I met your best friends / Then a bird flies by and you forget.” Oof, dude.
Coincidence
Admittedly I know very little ✨lore✨ because I think Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello are two of the most insufferable people out there (see here and here)3. Luckily, the good people of TikTok have explained it to me, and when you have that context it’s easy to recognize how “Coincidence” ate and left no crumbs. Also, could you imagine a Harry Styles collab on this?! That’d be incred.
Slim Pickins
I think every straight woman who has ever opened Hinge can feel the sentiment of this song deep in their bones. This song is Kacey Musgraves meets 2010s Miley Cyrus. It’s the leaked song that lived up to the hype. I want to bottle up this lyric and take it with me everywhere: “This boy doesn’t even know the difference between ‘there,’ ‘their,’ and ‘they are.’”
What are the standouts for you? Are you still drinking the haterade or has this Betty Boop reincarnate won you over? Let me know!
Something I Thought of in the Shower
Truly nothing, just been singing Short n’ Sweet
Something Pretty
It’s the best time of the year—US Open time! And tennis balls aren’t the only thing Naomi Osaka was serving, she was also serving lewks. I’m OBSESSED with the bows. I want to be an elite tennis player (for many reasons) so I can wear this look on a Grand Slam stage. Seeing her knocked out of the competition so early last week was devastating, but at least she looked good doing it.
Something To Laugh About
Here are this week’s gems:
I’m not math-y enough to know if this is the correct formula (some people in the comments are saying it’s not), but regardless I love this little bit of Vine humor.
No but this montage and soundtrack combo live rent-free in my mind. I’m so thrilled others agree.
Every now and then I remember that people keep guinea pigs as pets and it delights me. This looks like quite the party.
The amount of times this has happened with Klaus is perhaps concerning—but I know that every pet owner can relate.
Something for Clarice
Hey! This newsletter is free and I intend to keep it that way. That said, if you love it and want to show your appreciation, buy me a coffee :)
By the way…I’m reading this.
As someone who loves to plan parties and bring people together, I picked up The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. It had so many insights for personal and professional gatherings alike, and I found myself taking copious notes on how I might be more intentional about future get-togethers. In fact, I took some of the tips to a friend dinner last night—I feel like it made a difference and hopefully they think so, too. Definitely recommend this!
And I’m watching this.
I started My Interview with a Vampire after Eli raved about it. So far it is quite enjoyable and surprisingly steamy. The show is acting as a transitional season filler since I’m not quite ready to leave summer behind yet and start my annual Gilmore Girls rewatch :)
Happy Friday! My apologies for not getting this out last week as I intended. To say the least, it was a sprint of a week leading into the Labor Day weekend during which I disconnected, touched grass, and ate my weight (and then some) in lobster rolls. Watch this space for the Portland (Maine) recap coming soon!
‘Til next time, Carpenterians(??). Your friend,
Clarice
you might be thinking, silly Clarice, she’s released other albums—frankly, I don’t know who that man is and I don’t care to find out
kinda fun just to refer to Sabrina in terms of endearment—there’s boundless potential here