Floor Time
/flôr tīm/
noun
the 15-60 minute time period spent laying on the floor in the middle of the work day, typically as a relief from the soul-sucking reality of corporate America.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know about the Roman Empire trend, along with the follow-up trend of things that people think about as frequently as Those Men think about the Roman Empire. I have given this a lot of thought over the past few months, my dear Floor Timers, and finally crafted this work of art: a top ten for what I, Clarice, believe to be my Roman Empire. Please enjoy.
Darren Criss’ “Somewhere Only We Know” cover (Glee Version)
Play this at my funeral. Not only is this possibly the best Glee cover of all time—other honorable mentions include “Smooth Criminal” (a reminder that Grant Gustin has that BROADWAY TRAINING oo!), “I Say a Little Prayer,” and “Glad You Came” (oop Grant again what d’you know)—but it is also Darren Criss at his BEST best.
Episode 16 of season 2 of “Lizzie McGuire,” entitled “Inner Beauty”
For those who don’t know, this is the episode of “Lizzie McGuire” when Miranda begins to develop an eating disorder which is cured by the end of the episode. I would love to know if some scholar somewhere has written a thesis about the correlation/causation of this episode to young girls who did/didn’t develop eating disorders—not being facetious, merely curious.
Taylor Swift yelling “Sydney!” *clang clang*
Vanessa Hudgens’ “Sneaker Night”
The world shifted the night this music video premiered in the summer of 2008. You mark my words it hasn’t been the same since.
The Elliot Yamin + Mary J. Blige performance from the “American Idol” season 5 finale, and the season 5 finale in general.
I have no explanation for why this lives rent-free in my mind almost two decades later, other than it aired during a time when I religiously watched “American Idol” and this finale was the absolute best in my entire tenure as an AI stan. This and the Clay Aiken performance specifically both chill in my head. I literally VCR'ed this episode and rewatched it I-don’t-even-know-how-many-times until my mom taped over it with her Chinese soaps. If Mary J. Blige ever goes on tour somewhere near me I’d buy a ticket simply because in 2006, this performance was the closest I ever got to going to church.
“I am confusion.”
If you hear me saying this [redacted] times a week, I’m referring to this.
My Ska phase.
This was the year I was the youngest principal cast member in my high school’s production of Titanic: The Musical (to this day one of my favorites and you best BELIEVE I bought orc tix for the Encores production starring Bonnie Milligan opening June 2024), and the other cast members played a Reel Big Fish song between our matinee and evening show. I said “I love this song,” and the upperclassman—who I will not name but I forgive and I want to FORGET—said, “you probably only know the bandwagon ska groups.” To which I absolutely obliterated him by naming five of my favorite ska groups because I actually had a ska phase and he shut up so fast *hair flip*.
The Kardashian’s trip to Bora Bora during Kim’s 72-day marriage to Karl Hamstrings1.
If you recall, this is the episode of KUWTK that gave us the epic line that had Scorcese shaking in his boots to this day: “people are dying, Kim.” I think this is the most common Kylie Jenner and I have ever/will ever be because for 15 minutes, she dove for the giant diamond earring Kim lost in the ocean and FOUND IT. Respect for my fellow mermaid 🫡
Season 3 episode 9 of “Game of Thrones,” unfortunately.
I knew it was coming and I still had to take a multi-month break from GoT following this viewing.
The mens’ 100m butterfly final at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.
My swim team referenced this final touch for MONTHS. To this day, I still don’t know how he eked in an extra stroke and managed to out-touch Milorad Čavić by .01 seconds. Oh my god. I need a moment to myself. What a race.
Something I Thought of in the Shower
“This Canadian man wants to show you his giant zucchini.” An HR violation in most workplaces *giggles*
Something Pretty
The Metropolitan Museum of Art is open late every Friday and Saturday, lending itself to be the ultimate date night. If you’re a resident of the tri-state area, it’s pay-as-you-wish, so for $2 you can have hours of art-browsing. I went last Friday to specifically see the new Manet / Degas exhibit, but also managed to peruse many areas of The Met I’ve never stepped foot in (usually happens where you’re there—it’s huge). Would recommend this if you’re local or just visiting this fall!
Something To Laugh About
Some gems for you this week:
Well isn’t this just deeply specific and incredibly relevant to my 16 year-old self.
Here’s this, your weekly affirmations courtesy of Ziwe.
Ok honorable mention to my Roman Empires is this.
Have you guys been following the controversy around that girl who redid her boyfriend’s apartment and basically made it this heinous, soulless, millennial-gray atrocity? Been seeing so many responses to it but this one is my fave because of this line: “A lot of ya’ll don’t have taste, ya’ll just have money.” Ooooeeeee one more time for the people in the back!!! 🗣️🗣️🗣️
This is me for the next 51 days—see below.
Something for Clarice
Hey! This newsletter is free and I intend to keep it that way. That said, if you love it and want to show your appreciation, buy me a coffee :)
By the way…I’m reading this.
Guys I’m STRESSED. My reading goal for this year is 70, to challenge myself from the 67 books I read in 2022. Currently, I have read 33 (*womp womp wahhh*) and I blame Throne of Glass #3 for halting my reading process for MONTHS. Anyway. Although I am a Gryffindor, I have strong Slytherin-like tendencies e.g. I’m competitive AF about everything but especially about things that do not require a competitive spirit a.k.a. reading. I am telling you how behind I am on my goal so that you hold me to this: Clarice will read 37 books in the remaining 51 days of the year. Mark my words. I’m gonna do it, people. Starting with My Body by Emily Ratajkowski—because I recently picked up a very cheap used copy at my local bookshop.
And that’s what you missed on Glee!2 I’m going into my reading hole this weekend—thank goodness autumn is autumning in the most cozy way, and bless my super for hearing my desperate pleas and lowering the heat so I am no longer sweating in here. Have a beautiful weekend!
Til’ next time, Warblers. Your friend,
Clarice
I know his actual name, I just like my version better.
Read: My subconscious.