Floor Time
/flôr tīm/
noun
the 15-60 minute time period spent laying on the floor in the middle of the work day, typically as a relief from the soul-sucking reality of corporate America.
It’s a 90-degree scorcher of a day. I’m sitting in a lawn chair reading a book about a marvelous female protagonist, grateful that it’s endearing enough to distract me from this heat. My WASPy Scala hat is barely enough to keep the sun out of my eyes. A bead of sweat escapes my hairline and races down my temple. Finally, a spot of shade eclipses the sun overhead. Some respite. Standing there, it’s you. You wipe the singular bead off with your finger and whisper, “Don’t [sweat], Shopgirl. Don’t [sweat].” From behind your back, you slowly whip out your other arm to reveal an ice cold, delightfully crisp, splendidly dry, and dreadfully filthy *dramatic pause* MARTINI. I tell you, “I love you.”
Then, “But where are the extra olives?”
END SCENE.
Whew—my inner theatre kid goblin kinda took over there. But I’m back! Let’s talk martinis. These chilly little minxes have been the talk of the town for decades. They’re the signature drink of all the coolest film and television personas, including but not limited to Bond. James, Bond, Grace of Grace and Frankie, Lucille Bluth, Samantha Jones, and Eileen Rand.
^I’ve included this photo in Floor Times past and what about it!! I love them.
Sounds like Queen Beyonce is not the only one having a renaissance this summer—our beloved martini has been making headlines left and right. My favorite being: The Martini Has Lost Its Mind. I am personally a purest when it comes to martinis. My typical order is “a filthy1 gin martini, shaken not stirred, with as many olives as you can fit in the glass.” And it bloody RULES. But even if you’re not into the brine, there are countless places to get your martini fix (in New York specifically—this is a local newsletter?). I consulted fellow martini die-hards and we put together this list for you, because there’s truly nothing worse than a bad martini on a hot day.
Lullaby - Lower East Side (LES)
Like many casual bars in New York, Lullaby batches their martinis, but you wouldn’t know it. They are absolutely perfect, and though they add the brine after, I have never once had to ask for extra—they nail it every time. Also their martini contains olive oil which I feel like can go horribly wrong (*cough* Jolene *cough*), but in this case, it balances everything out. Love her.
Public Records - Gowanus
Famously housed three of these in a night during a birthday party. They go down so smoothly that even people who aren’t martini drinkers will find these refreshing.
Corner Bar - LES / Dimes Square
Love their martinis, even though it’s hard to grab a spot here. And now I just have to flex: I was there this week (at the adjoining Swan Bar) and sat next to Joe Jonas. I fangirled and barely paid attention to the remaining night of conversation.
The basic dirty martinis are great, but their house take on a dirty martini is made with black pepper brine and contains notes of bay leaf. It also has one of the best martini olives I’ve had (it was wrapped in an anchovy then pepperoncini layer (if you’re salivating, let’s be friends, and if you're not…run along now).
Pastis - Chelsea / Meatpacking
If you recall, Pastis is also on the list of best burgers in NYC. Pair your burger with a dirty martini and you’ll be a happy clam, I promise.
Bernie’s - Greenpoint
Bernie’s is Pastis-like in their menu but their food is definitely inferior. Would recommend grabbing martinis and splitting.
Casino - LES
Kind of a newer spot—the front of the bar gives off the-Flintstones-opened-a-bar vibe, while the back gives off a Twin-Peaks-Dance-of-the-Little-Man scene. Trust me, this will all make sense when you go.
^”The Dante Martini”
Dante - West Village
It’s one of the best bars in the world for a reason. They have lots of house martinis on the menu (there’s a whole section!!) in addition to your average one. This is the one and only place I will willingly have a clean martini because it is so balanced.
Hold Fast - Midtown
H/t to @C_Sees_It for the rec. I know that this seems random, but this is reliably where I go for a martini before / after a Broadway show. Their bartenders are seasoned at martini-making and I usually splurge and get mine made with Monkey 47. There’s one bartender there that wore a rad “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” t-shirt during the holidays and we bonded over it—they then proceeded to give me 15 olives in response to the “as many olives as you can fit in the glass” part of my order, a record that they still hold to this day.
^The Undercote martini
Undercote - Flatiron
It’s not a secret that COTE is my favorite restaurant in NYC, which is saying a lot given that I’m an ex-vegetarian and not a very enthusiastic carnivore. But the quality of this restaurant is unbeatable. As you wait for your table, head down to Undercote, the cocktail bar that is literally under COTE and looks like one of the incubation rooms out of “The Last of Us.” Their martinis are expertly shaken in this dark and mossy space.
Anton’s - West Village
They just make a very good martini (dirty and clean alike). No frills. Just awesome.
Beyond The Pale - Nolita
I hesitated to include this on the list because it isn’t the BEST best martini ever, but I do think it’s very interesting—they do a washed martini (in olive oil) that’s worth trying.
Something Extra
The basic martini is delightful, but I don’t want to neglect the beauty of two other staples: the espresso martini and the lychee martini. If you’re into either (and, who isn’t) here are some additional recommendations.
Espresso Martinis
Bar Belly - LES
Imo the best I’ve had in the city—I don't know what they put in it but it’s SUBLIME! They also do $1 oysters 5-7PM daily. Perfect pairing :)
American Bar - West Village
They are the ones who introduced me to tequila/mezcal as an espresso martini base vs. vodka and it changed the game for me. I’ll never have a non-mezcal espresso martini again.
Bar Pisellino - Greenwich Village
The top of the list for Eli (one of the consultants on this martini list). It’s also the one spot on this list I personally have never been to, but we trust this man!!
Corner Bar - LES
Repeating this because they make a mean espresso martini as well. I think they just really get martinis.
^The Golden Unicorn lychee martini
Lychee Martinis
Verlaine - LES
So amazing but be cautious—they’re so sippable you’ll have at least two and be like…wait, how?
Golden Unicorn - Chinatown
It’s a solid dim sum spot but at night they are BYOB (with a corkage fee) or you can opt to order straight from their seemingly rinky dink bar. But don’t knock it ‘til you try it! They make their martinis with actual lychee juice rather than syrup and it is ELITE. I had one of many Lunar New Year meals here and we did round after round of these without getting the typical sugar headache that can come with sweeter drinks like this.
Something I Thought of in the Shower
Something Pretty
I was in LA last weekend—can you think of anything more gorgeous than Hogsmeade on a sunny day?! *swoon*
Something To Laugh About
Great gems for you this week, friends. See:
This is the most fun I’ve had all week. I am so easily delighted.
I am so grateful that this video (the OG in case you’ve never seen this) has been effortlessly passed down through the generations. And these kids nailed it.
I think about this riff at least once a month. Campaign to bring James back to Broadway!!!!!
The girls that get it…GET this.
This is just so unhinged I’m obsessed. Also re: the comments section—am I SO old how does everyone not know Joanna?!
I just want to know what they thought was going to happen. Like, Susie or no Susie they’re standing over CARPET?! In THIS economy??
Something for Clarice
As you all know, this is a free newsletter that is truly the light of my life (besides Klaus). It’s a labor of love in that every week I put a lot of thought into it—although admittedly, sometimes not at all, and then you get the occasional word vom. The impetus for Floor Time has always been to entertain, distract, and remind you that corporate America is not the end-all-be-all. It is specifically designed to remind you of life outside of work, all while you recharge and/or stew in your existential dread while lying on the floor. I remain passionate about offering these words for free, but if you love this newsletter, feel free to casually buy me a coffee :)
That’s all for me this week. Klaus is now on anti-anxiety meds and we’re looking for a behavioralist to help train out his worry-wart tendencies. Exciting stuff happening here!
Til’ next time, dirty bastards (see: Samantha Jones clip). Your friend,
Clarice
By the way…I’m reading this.
I’m tentatively making my way back into Throne of Glass after my hiatus, and have also picked up One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston, whose TV adaptation of Red, White & Royal Blue came out last night and was a MASSIVE disappointment. Also not great, Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld that I read last week, making me officially done with Reese’s Book Club recs (too many bad ones in recent history).
I have come to learn that if you don’t explicitly use the word “filthy,” they will give you a clean martini which is just 🤢 .